I betrayed him with my higher self (and we’re still strong)

“It’s okay to let go of those who couldn’t love you. Those who didn’t know how to do it. The ones who didn’t even try. It’s okay to outgrow them because that means you’ve filled the empty space inside you with self-love instead. You grow out of them because you grow into yourself. And that’s more than okay, that’s something to celebrate.” ~ Angelica Moone

“How could you do this to me? It’s obvious you’re with someone else.”

This was the third and final text I received from my partner in almost three years, a few weeks after we finally decided to separate. I say “we” because at first it seemed like the decision was mutual, although later it turned out it was me who wanted out.

He was right, by the way. I left him for someone else.

No, not the lover he had conjured up in his mind. In fact, what had pulled me away was far more powerful and seductive than that. I had betrayed him with my higher self. And she had been trying to win me over for quite some time.

My higher self: AKA my intuition, AKA my inner ass that is never ignored. Yes, she is the one I left him for.

Much like the end of my marriage, it had started with a gentle nudge, now and then a slap on the shoulder. I’ve noticed my whole life that if I don’t stop what I’m doing until what was once a whisper finally turns into a roar, these attempts to get my attention become more and more consistent.

That’s what happened three years ago when she decided I should shave my head. At this point I had invested a lot of money to turn my naturally dark brown hair into a platinum blonde mane. This was before the pandemic, when I couldn’t imagine that anything would come between me and my monthly visits to the salon.

As with most suggestions that come from my higher self, my ego was not impressed.

If the two had sat across from each other, the conversation would have gone something like this. .

“You want to do something???”

“Shave it.”


“Take everything off.”

“All of it?”

“All. Of. It.”

So I tried a compromise by shaving a bit off the side. I knew I was kidding myself for thinking this would be the end, but at least it was a start. Over the next twelve months, I felt admiration and jealousy in equal measure whenever I saw someone with a shaved head. This odd mix was familiar to me, and it signaled what was about to happen next.

When I finally made the decision, it was a random Tuesday morning and it made absolutely no sense to my logical mind. Unlike the ego, which thrives on being busy and busy, the higher self loves white space. When we give ourselves the opportunity to switch off and retune, our deepest desires are revealed in a fun way.

On that fateful day I had decided to take my dog ​​for an extra long walk through one of the parks here in Barcelona. There’s nothing like nature, exercise and a bit of solitude to help you cut through the noise and get to the core of what you really want. Instead of returning to my apartment, we went to the drawing room.

As I sat down at my barber station and looked at myself in the mirror, my ego threw a full blown tantrum while my higher self threw up the proverbial champagne.

In those moments, feeling the clippers run across my scalp and watching my shoulder-length hair fall to the floor, I finally felt free. Whether it’s our hair, our jobs, or a relationship we’ve long since outgrown, the higher self seeks our release no matter the cost.

That day, when I told my then-partner what I had done, the conversation did not go the way I had hoped it would, it went exactly the way I had imagined.

“You’re bald.”

While this was actually a fact, the tone made it feel like a personal attack. He asked me why someone so beautiful would make themselves so ugly on purpose. For once in my life, being “pretty” wasn’t the deciding factor. I wasn’t as concerned about how I wanted to look as I was about how I wanted to feel. As I’ve since learned, life really changes when that perspective starts to change.

If his thoughts and feelings were any indication, I didn’t have much left to look at when it came to the male gaze. Ironically, all he could see was “a madman,” while the person I saw with my own eyes was a queen.

While my ex couldn’t get past my shaved head, I couldn’t get over the luminosity and shine that was able to fully shine through. As he continued to fixate on what I had lost, I knew the truth of what I had gained: freedom, courage, and beauty on my own terms.

Maybe I always knew that he would leave me for a haircut. Nobody likes to think that the future of their relationship depends on the length of their hair, but he had told me from the start never to shave my head. Funny what rules we follow to belong to other people while strategically surrendering ourselves.

I had spent nearly four decades of my life searching for security to meet everyone’s expectations. I used to be an expert at figuring out what they wanted and becoming that. Until one cold, cloudy morning in February 2021 when I decided I was done. Done with pretending. Done with the happy. No more denying what I knew to be true.

I was finally ready for a different kind of love. And this time it was all my own.

You could say I cheated on my ex with my higher self, or maybe she was the one I was meant to be with all along. However, I have chosen to stay true to my inner wisdom. And as far as I can tell, we’re still going strong.

I betrayed him with my higher self (and we’re still strong)

About Jolinda Johnson

Jolinda Johnson (MSEd., CHHC) is an award-winning Certified Life Coach and Holistic Health Coach specializing in burnout and perimenopause. She is originally from Detroit, Michigan but has been a single mother living in Barcelona, ​​​​Spain for the past fourteen years. Follow her on Instagram at www.instagram.com/coachjolinda or visit her online at www.jolindajohnson.com.

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